My boy is bigger than you!

Great! Another "no heating" service call on a Friday evening. This call is thirty miles South of where I was parked and I had planned to travel thirty some miles North to the comforts of home. At the time home was a twenty five year old single wide mobile on the outskirts of town on a few acres. We were living in this wreck while completing the building of our own home on the same land. That mobile was the only home we payed cash for ($2,000.00) and owned outright. Then we turned around and sold it for $2,000.00 a year later. You might say we broke even.


As I pull into the projects, a two story apartment building in south Sac, the first thing that greets me as I roll into the parking lot are two vehicles, no air in the tires and the hood up on one. So that set the scene pretty well as to what type of customers we were dealing with.


The entrance to the apartments are a vivid recolection. I see before me a long flight of stairs going up into a dark chasm to the upper units. Apt 2 on the left top, Apt 4 on the right top. My goal is Apt 2.


With my tools in hand I start the climb through the murky exhaust of cigarette smoke and old food odors where before me on the landing looms Gelda.


When the sun broke through the curtain of darkness that Friday morning Gelda rubbed the sleep from her crusted lids and decided in her muddled brain," I think I am going to leave my hair down today and not wash it. Also I'm going with the ensemble of short, stained, grey sweat shorts and my XXX faded red Budweiser t shirt. That way I'll be comfy, the cool air around my ashen sticks for legs will help my circulation problems. But I do want my black socks on in case I have to go down to seven eleven and get my smokes before the furnace man gets here".


Gelda took one look at me and in her disgust she jerked her thumb out from behind her massiveness and said "its in here and you were s'posed to be here an hour ago". I was in trouble because I could here the Jerry Springer show on inside and she was missing it.


The landing was only big enough for her and she wasn't moving because she felt it was better to stand there to hold the door open so I pressed myself against her and the stucco wall and scraped through to the furnace in question.


"Whats the problem with your furnace" I asked with the professionalism of one that was terribly sorry to have interrupted her busy day. She said, " well the last idiot that was out here says he saw a crack in my furnace, shut the gas off and told me I need a new furnace". "I'm not gonna sit here and freeze all winter 'cause I can't afford a new one". To myself I'm thinking well, leave out the three cartons of cigs a week, the two six pacs of BUD every other day, the Johny Walker Red over there and his buddy Jack Daniels in the corner, yeah I think you can afford a new furnace there Gelda" But I said, "I understand let me take a look at it"


I set up shop right there in the kitchen and commenced to pulling this furnace apart. Once I had the blower motor removed I was able to get on my knees and with my flashlight inspected the confines of this hairy, dusty, heap of warmth for cracks.


With Jerry and his gang going all out in the back ground, and some other show blasting on a different TV in the other bedroom I tried to relay to her my findings from inside the furnace. "Gelda I don't see any cracks in this heat exchanger, are you sure its visible to the eye"? (sometimes we can use cameras for these inspections) "Really, bellows Gelda, the only crack I can see is yours". Oh that was funny yeah we had us a real knee slapper there. Her gapped -tooth yapper was flapping like you wouldn't believe. Just like that she sobered up and said, " How big are you"? Not able to respond quickly enough she "Drill Sargented" me again and said, "Get up I think my boy is bigger than you are". "Lester! Get in here for a minute, honey!" I'm thinking Honey? How can sweet water and bitter come from the same well?


So here I am somewhere off Mack Rd, in a four plex standing toe to toe and chin to chin with Lester. He's only 20 years old but he stands a good 2 inches over my feeble 6'2". "I thought so" she said. Lester smiled at her thankful for her approval as and she dismissed him.


Well we are not done yet.


I got back into "furnace man" position and reassembled that old Coleman as it was fit for service and fired it up. Still on my knees I swiveled to stash a tool and there she is again towering over me and proclaims, "Lester was so big when he was born that I had to have him Cesarean, she reaches for the handle on her XXX BUD shirt and says, want to see the scar!??


I managed to escape that inspection, but unfortunately the real scar seared into my memory is of her heft towering over me preparing to unfurl the garment.